IF THIS IS TRUE . . .

I. JUST.

IF IT IS TRUE . . .

OH, UNIVERSE!

My six year old cousin just burned me so hardcore for watching and loudly singing along to The Little Mermaid in my room. To quote, "That's a GIRL kid movie, you're a GROWNUP!"

MY AGE DOES NOT MAKE UNDER THE SEA ANY LESS CATCHY, YOU ADORABLE LITTLE BASTARD!

I totally got him to sit down and watch it with me, though, and by Poor Unfortunate Souls he was all over that shit.

TAKE THAT, SMALL CHILD!

I am awake at 3am because Basil, at some point during the night, decided his new dog bed was not good enough and he wanted to spoon me instead of his bear, and thus I woke up because the drool that had pooled in the crook of my elbow literally started running down my arm.

Why do I find this cute instead of gross? Why am I that person? Why can't I go back to sleep? Why does my hair only look awesome at 3am when no one can see it? Why did my sister eat the rest of my apple jacks? These are all important questions.

Oh my god, I am so sleepy. I am going to murder the children tomorrow, and it will be my stupid, drooly, needy beagle's fault. THEY SHOULD USE THIS ENTRY AS EVIDENCE.

Hey, are any of you particularly in the mood to be spammed with photos of pretty people from FNL? I only ask because this guy is, and he can get pretty insistent, all, "I'M A GAY BABY ANGEL, DO AS I SAY!"


( So I did as he said. )

Well. I feel that was productive. And humiliating. But mostly hot.

Before I get to the main point of this post, a few starter points:

1. I feel like my life is complete. GOD, HIMYM, I LOVE YOU.

2. Just a teeeeeny pet peeve? And just so we're all aware? I voted for Clinton, it's true. I continue to support her over Obama. Not because I am a woman, not because I am a racist. Just because, well . . . I'm fucking poor, and I like the idea of universal health care, and I'm one of those annoying, "EXPER-IENCE! EXPER-IENCE!" people. I think he's a cool dude and all, and would be an awesome president, but maybe four to eight years from now? So he doesn't have to immediately compromise everything he believes in and become a broken down shell of a man when the public turns on him? With all of this in mind, please note that I have yet to make a post implying that if you do not agree with me, you are stupid and may as well invite some terrorists over for tea and finger sandwiches. I LIKE reading other people's political posts, and for real, I don't really care WHO you are voting for, it's just that the in-fighting ain't cool, guys, and if Zac Efron has taught me anything (beyond how to love, and style my bangs) it's that we're all in this together! So maybe lay off the posts implying that anyone who voted Clinton wants the Republicans to win, hates America, is a silly stupid woman who is voting with her vag, is inherently racist, and wants puppies to die? That'd be nice. I really like puppies.

3. I have not even started any of those Top Fives. This is just a reminder that you must always, ALWAYS take, "No, I'm TOTALLY going to do this meme!" with a grain of salt when it is coming from me.

4. And now, a few words on the creepy and highly unsettling rise of this "bandom" wackiness within my rural Louisiana community:

GUYS, IT IS CREEPING ME OUT. I'm not judging or anything, bandom-inclined folks on my friendlist, but . . . well, you'll see. Okay, so, about two weeks ago, I was looking through my history trying to find a page, and saw all these weirdo ljs I knew I had not visited, so I clicked one, and apparently my sister likes to read stories wherein Patrick Stump is a teenage crossdresser and Pete Wentz encourages this by giving him lady clothes and then fucking him in them.

SO. THAT WAS A LITTLE HARD TO TAKE IN.

I legitimately was less creeped out when I found her reading HP Twincest. I don't know what this says about me. But anyway, I figured, hey, isolated incident! Turns out? Not so much? So you know how Pete Wentz and Ashlee Simpson got engaged and we all had a good chuckle, some of us coming from the place of, "Oh those two crazy little hobbits! They've found a mate!" and some of us coming from the place of, "OMG THAT WHORE IS RUINING EVERYTHING!"

Turns out? My 7th graders share these opinions. For the sake of this post, I will be calling them Teenie and Tinhat, and it happened a little bit like this:

Teenie: Miss Regina did you hear Pete Wentz and Ashlee Simpson are TOTALLY GONNA GET MARRIED? She's sooooooo lucky! They're soooooooooo cute!
Tinhat: Um . . . they're SO not getting married.
Teenie: Yeah they are, the looooooove each other!
Tinhat: THEY ARE NOT.
Teenie: WHY NOT?
Tinhat: BECAUSE HE DOESN'T LOVE HER! HE LOVES PATRICK!
Teenie: Oh my god, EWW. As if!
Tinhat: HE DOES. HE SAID PATRICK IS HIS GOLDEN TICKET, HE SAYS IT ALL THE TIME!

This was my cue to desperately stop myself from snorting and shout, "OKAY EVERYONE, BACK TO THE GIVER!"

And that? That was bad enough. But then. Ooooh, but then. The next day they came in my lab, and this happened:

Teenie: Miss Regina, I need to move seats.
Tinhat: So do I!
Regina: And do we have a reason for this?
Teenie: I can't sit by her! She's crazy.
Tinhat: I'm not the one who believes that Pete could EVER love someone like her!
Regina: You two both really, REALLY need to go sit down and login.

I'm guessing at some point in the next two or three days a truce was reached? They at least weren't actively hissing at other.

And then that whole "Ashlee Simpson is totes knocked up OMG!" thing happened, and then I happened across this at recess:

Teenie: I TOLD YOU! I TOLD HE LOVED HER! They're gonna have a baby!
Tinhat: THAT IS PETE AND PATRICK'S BABY, SHE'S JUST HOLDING IT!

I wanted to say . . . well, I wanted to say so very, very many things. Instead I just turned and walked briskly back to my classroom where I proceeded to laugh my effin' ass off for a good five minutes.

I still kind of want to know if she thinks that Pete and Patrick were actually able to conceive this baby, but not carry it? Or if she actually understands how these things work? At least I know she's not reading MPREG fic, I guess. Small comforts?

( In other news? I'm watching Gossip Girl? I have an unpopular opinion? )

Because I am desperately seeking a way to avoid real life right now, I'm going to do that Top Five thing. You know the one.

Or that icon/interest thing. You know the one.

No, apparently I'm even lazy and uncommitted when it come to Internet memes. Shocking, right?

I've been trying to come up with an entry about what I did during the great Electronic Device Blackout of 08, but all I really did was work and sleep and watch TV with my sister and my dog. So . . . not that different from the usual. However, my sister has conceded that she now understands my "infatuation" with Sophia Bush after we started watching One Tree Hill on DVD. I thanked her for not using the words "creepy obsession." But seriously, it's gotten to the point that we both dreamily sigh and say, "Hi, pretty!" whenever she is on screen. Other phrases said in unison? "SHUT UP, LUCAS!" "I LOVE YOU, CHRIS KELLER!" and "NATHAN, TAKE OFF YOUR SHIRT! TAKE OFF YOUR SHIRT, NATHAN! NAAAAAAAAATHAN!"

What? We're awesome.

I did clean my room. Mostly. Mostly I cleaned my room! I found like six bags of cotton balls. I have NO IDEA, GUYS. None. I guess I was going to make something. My top bet is a sexy sheep costume. Anyway, I also found this weirdo penguin toy from when i was a baby that TOTALLY FREAKS BASIL OUT. You pull the baby penguin and the momma penguin flaps its arms and then it walks around and Basil just goes totally apeshit. We are talking full out howling and running around in terror. Okay, fine, it's kind of mean, and I've only done it . . . three times. LOOK I'M SORRY, BUT IT IS SERIOUSLY FUNNY.

Phone and computer news: I got one of the pink Sony Walkman phones, because I AM NOT MADE OF STONE, OKAY, THEY ARE SUPER CUTE AND I GOT IT FOR SUPER CHEAP. It lights up! I have a pink phone with green lights! It's like the spirit of lesbian witches is living within my phone. As for my computer, it is this one, because, well, cheapest. I did get a memory boost, so I have just under 3 GB of RAM, which is AMAZING. Like, who knew it was possible to run iTunes without it shutting down your entire computer? I thought that was just a funny rumor! Who knew I could have more than three tabs open at once? WHO KNEW I COULD DOWNLOAD MORE THAN ONE THING AT ONCE? WITCHCRAFT! So, yeah, I'm now horribly in debt, but I'm horribly in debt with SHINY THINGS SURROUNDING ME.

Speaking of, does anyone want to pay me for sexual services? And by sexual services I mean "sitting around and watching tv while making fun of people!" I kind of forgot my webhosting bill was due this month, and am terribly worried about the fate of FNL Gallery. I AM JUST SAYING, IF I DON'T ACQUIRE HQ PICTURES OF ADRIANNE'S BOOBS, WHO WILL? I ASK YOU, WHO WILL? I'm not begging for money or anything, I'm just begging people who were maybe considering getting webhosting for themselves to use me a referral. TOTALLY DIFFERENT AND NOT AS TACKY, RIGHT?

Okay, still kind of tacky. But anyway, if anyone was considering getting webhosting? Now would be a good time to do it with Dreamhost! I don't just say this so I can pay my hosting bill, they really ARE great webspace. You get tons of space and bandwidth, I've never had an issue that the support team hasn't been able to resolve for me, I can think of MAYBE two or three times in the four years I've had my space that there's been any significant downtime, etc. So if you were thinking of getting webspace, it'd be nice if you got some now! So I can continue to provide you all with the highest quality pictures of hot bitches. If you want to, either use this link and don't enter any promo codes or referral info, or just enter "puppetoflove@hotmail.com" as your referrer. Go team free money!

In other news, if Jason Castro is eliminated tonight, I WILL CUT SOMEONE. There is no one else on Idol that I can have realistic fantasies involving both haircuts and sex about. THIS WILL NOT DO.

I now have a computer. Guys, it's . . . it's been so long. I felt so cold. Is Britney still alive? Did anyone release a sex tape? Have we cycled back to liking Beyonce again? THESE THINGS ARE IMPORTANT TO KNOW. So, yeah, some personal craziness decided to happen over the past month too, that was SUPER fun, expect more emo in a locked entry soon. But for now, I'm just going to try to figure out why the fuck I not only have to inform Vista of EVERY MOVE I MAKE, but ensure them that I do in fact want to make said move, and shake my cane in the air while mumbling about these goddamn kids and their newfangled touchpads.

(PS - I am using this old school icon because it is literally the ONLY ICON I HAVE, made by me, that doesn't look like shit on this screen, and, like, someone could have TOLD ME all my stuff looked like crap. AND NONE FOR GRETCHEN WEINERS.)

1. I'm really starting to miss my computer. Was my desktop girly porn? Was it het porn? Was it FNL porn? Sometimes I can't remember, and that scares me.

2. I have a decent maybe lead on a computer via Craigslist? If the douche would give me his phone number already? I mean for real, if you're going to put shit on Craigslist, expect people to want to speak to you.

3. The good news is, my sister and I are blowin' through naptime the Angel DVDs.

4. Speaking of, does anyone have any Cordy/Gunn, Cordy/Wes, Gunn/Wes, Cordy/Gunn/Wes recs from S2? Seriously, OT3. Besides, I have to email myself SOMETHING to read at work tomorrow. Better that than more hardcore Angel/Lorne fic. I'm kidding. Mostly.

We had a storm that fried the power source on my computer. So unless someone is secretly independently wealthy or owns a computer factory or something, look for me to be around even LESS than usual. Someone post HQ pictures of FNL people and tell Jason Street I love him for me? I already feel colder, guys. This is so sad.

I am . . . going to warn you all, I am very worried about the fate of my show and I am not that coherent because every other thought in my head is "IT CAN NOT HAPPEN OR SOMEONE WILL PAY."

( No, seriously, I'll murder someone. )

Guys. Just. I DON'T KNOW WHAT I'LL DO. I totally understand those who think I am overreacting, but like . ..do you know that I STILL hiss when I see Jennifer Love Hewitt at all? JOAN OF ARCADIA WAS THREE YEARS AGO. And still. STILL I MOURN. I just . . . no way. They can not cancel this show and leave shit like Lipstick Jungle and all the stupid reality shows and game shows and THEY CAN NOT DO IT. I can't even . . . I CAN'T PROCESS OKAY. I CAN NOT PROCESS RIGHT NOW.

So please if you have . . . ever liked this show, or me, at all? Write in and tell them the show is awesome and you want to see it on the air. Talking points: The show is awesome, the show is the best on tv, the show is emotionally affecting, the show is a "family" show, the show has huge DVR playbacks, the show is popular with affluent viewers, who spend money. TELL NBC YOU WILL SPEND MONEY. TELL THEN YOU WILL DO ANYTHING. I . . . I need my shows, guys. I'm not above servicing you guys sexually in exchange for letters.

NBC Studios
3000 W. Alameda Ave.
Burbank, CA. 91523

NBC Email
Scroll down to the pulldown menu and select FNL to send your email.

So kids, know what's not fun? Fucking pneumonia. Cut to a month ago, when I'm all, "dying" and bliccy is all, "pneumonia" and I'm all, "stfu I'm totally fine!" Lather. Rinse. Repeat. Turns out she was right, and the doctors were wrong. I went in to get a chest x-ray on Wednesday and the nurse was like, "Yeah, we're going to have to put your ass in the hospital." So there I went and there I stayed until mid-Thursday. Turns out I had light to moderate fluid in my lungs, so I basically spent my time at the hospital doped up on morphine and peeing into a bag. Which isn't as bad as it sounds. Get me the internet and cable and I could camp out for a while.

Anyway. I actually feel tons better than I have for the past two months or so, except for how I have to take 9 gazillion different pills and am peeing literally every five to ten minutes.

In other news, before I had to blow almost my entire tax refund check on hospitalization, ( I bought some cute shit. )

( Yeah, so, I still watch Friday Night Lights. )

Okay, guys. I just . . . I don't even know what to say here. FIRST OF ALL, VH1 is doing the countdown of the greatest songs of the 90s and seriously, is there a song that more reminds you of being a 12 year old white girl who thought she could dance than "This Is How We Do It?" I don't think so.

And now, down to business. Thanks to tlace's keen eye and what I think HAS to be a little bit of divine intervention from Jesus, I give you:

PORTER THE PIRATE!

Porter the Pirate thought hey, he can leave, he can leave, oh, but now he knows that he was wrong. Because he missed you. Oh yeah, yeah, he missed you.

Okay, I'm sorry. No more 90s song lyrics. ANYWAY. LOOK AT IT. HOW AMAZING IS THAT? HOW AMAZING IS THAT? What is the best part? Is it the boy band hair? Is it the terrible photoshop? Is it how COMMITTED he is to his portrayal of Porter the Pirate?

No. The ACTUAL best part is the back flap that proclaims: "If there were an academy award for dinner shows, Pirate's Dinner Adventure would win an Oscar for set design!" Yes, for SET DESIGN!

For those of you wanting more information on Pirate's Dinner Adventure!, it is self described as "An energetic, adventurous and interactive dining experience captivating audiences of all ages! Featuring amazing aerial artistry, swashbuckling swordplay, and show stopping original music. All set aboard an authentic replica of an 18th Century Spanish Galleon afloat in a 300,000 gallon lagoon!"

And . . . I kind of want to go. Mostly because of the little fold out flap advertising: "WHEN THE SHOW ENDS, THE PARTY BEGINS! BUCCANEER BASH DISCO DANCE PARTY!"

GUYS. LIKE. PORTER THE PIRATE DISCO DANCING? CAN YOU IMAGINE IT? OH MY GOD.

I have to go . . . no idea. I don't know what I have to go do. BUT DISCO DANCE PARTY!

Okay first of all, I need to share some happy news. After like three days of shitty internet cutting out every five minutes, I not only have ACTUAL WORKING INTERNET, but tonight I found the LAST COPY of Sugar and Spice in the Wal-Mart DVD bargain bin. SUFFICE IT TO SAY, THIS IS A BANNER DAY FOR ME.

( IT IS CAN BE FNL TIEM?!? )

You know what? I'm just going to come out and say it: I like Fall Out Boy. The music is fun, it is catchy, Patrick Stump likes hats, I WILL NOT LIVE A LIE. I think Pete and Ashlee are kind of cute together, in that "Aww, it's nice that you found someone who'll like you for you!" way. You know, that way you find your socially awkward friend and the guy she met online playing World of Warcraft cute? That way. Also, two things about that relationship highly amuse me. 1) All the fangirls who totally hated Ashlee even BEFORE she was dating Wentz, because AHAHAH, IN YOUR FACE, FANS. 2) Picturing that greasy little fucker having dinner at the Simpson house with Papa Joe and Jessica and her football playing boyfriend. He's like two feet tall. Picture it. You'll laugh.

Also, while we're on things that make me laugh, here are two really fun games you can play when you stop pretending you're above Fall Out Boy. Game one is a game that my sister and I call "Enunciate, Patrick Stump" where in we compare the actual lyrics with what they sound like. My recent favorite was, "This ain't a scene, it's a goddamn assface." Game two is a game that my sister and I call "And That's The Name Of The New Fall Out Boy Song!" Recent favorites include: "I'm So Over Hot Pockets It's Not Even Funny," "Sometimes I Feel Like This Cat Is The Only One Who Understands Me," and "Shut Up, Max, Liz Thinks Tess Is Better In Bed." I will neither confirm or deny that sometimes my sister and I drunkenly watch Roswell. Whatever.

In other news, I've found that being perma-goofed up on a cocktail of Mucinex, Robitussin, and prescription cold medicine with codeine is actually REALLY conducive to creative pursuits. By "creative pursuits," I mean, "I was bored and wrote some mediocre fic and made some mediocre art for Porn Battle.

Faith/Tyra, "dancing," because there's no way I was not doing that prompt:


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(It makes sense because they were. . .dancing in the sheets? Whatever, I play hot and dirty with the concept of prompts and porn, thankyouverymuch.)

Summer/Marissa, "pool," because I've maybe been rewatching The OC lately:


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(Muted orange is the new electric yellow, pass it on!)

Buffy/Cordelia, "liar," because . . . she's whispering a lie?


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(I bet you didn't even know anyone still had Acid Waterfalls installed, did you?)

Hey, also, I wrote some fanfic. I KNOW, RIGHT? I haven't done that since that show about God talking to young lesbians with hot butch friends! No shit, I had to go LOOK UP a fic header to remember how to do this.

( The Fragments of a Name, Friday Night Lights, Tyra/Lyla, roadside. )

( Rise of the Mole People, How I Met Your Mother, Robin/Barney, laser tag, subway. )

All in all, I think an entry detailing my deep thoughts on Fall Out Boy, lesbian fanart, and surprise fanfiction is fully indicative of my current mental state. This can't be good.

You may have noticed that I'm obsessed with Friday Night Lights. This has not changed.

( OH, SHOW. )

Okay, I am so fucking sick of this, "Hey, hourly employee of the school system, hows about we give you all the extracurricular responsibilities of the teachers PLUS SOME MORE? But no more pay. That okay?" shit. REALLY FUCKING SICK.

Read: I just worked the concession stand at a high school basketball game, WHILE I AM SO SICK I CAN BARELY SPEAK THROUGH THE MUCUS AND PAIN. That's appetizing, right? Everyone wants the chance of SNOT in their nachos. To top it all off, I was being continuously sexually harassed by a seven foot tall sixteen year old from the opposing team. I think he thought I was a student? Or else he's just really confident? It took me like three times to realize that his interest in my opinion on chocolate had less to do with his indecision over which candy bar to choose and more to do with a possible attraction to black guys. He really pissed me off when he made a comment about my pigtails being handlebars, so I marched him over to his coach and explained through the phlegm and he totally got benched. SCORE.

( The lights, they are the kind that appear on Friday. )

Also? Just a note to fandom and the media in general? It is Shelley. It is Laribee. That last one was actually VISIBLY SHOWN ON THE SCREEN. Thank you. I'm going to go take more Nyquil and pass out, k?